Home...I'm coming for you...

This post was originally written a day before returning. Home, I'm coming for you. For your smells, for your food, for your people. And while I can't wait, I'm sitting here in heartbreak as I had to say goodbye to my other home,smells,foods,people. Saying goodbye...there is really never a good time or way to do so. What i've realized is its just a simple way the world teaches you that its okay to continue on..with the memories and feelings of a place and friends, family and love. It's hard to leave.It's hard to think about leaving. But when the day is coming near, and only a few hours I am from a flight leaving this land,I think to myself,that this goodbye, this separation, is only in distance. I'll carry you with me Guyana, the life lessons you taught me, the struggles you brought me through, the happiness and utter contentment of a life living day to day. And so here I am waiting, to come home.

Peace Love and Decisions

I feel like my life is guided by opportunities that arise when I least expect them. And choosing those opportunities to be part of my life always leads me to some of the best moments I've had. Once again I find myself here...with options. One leading home, One leading to a place that could potentially become home. It gets harder and harder in some ways to make up my mind. I used to be...and I guess a part of me is still a free spirit that goes with the flow and doesn't spend too much time weighing out her decisions. About 60% just wants to take it an run and never look back to this moment of contemplation. The other 40% feels like she should know better by now...and maybe stop taking risks and chances that just lead to more and more open doors. The problem is I dont feel like I shut any doors. I've been so lucky to love everything I have done so far. I feel so lucky that this new opportunity would give me a chance to once again try something new. I want to make the right choice for me...but its hard to do so when so many other people are on my mind and weighing in my heart. I want to spend time with my family again. I want to see how my nephew is growing, talking, laughing. I want to have late afternoon talks with my grandma while eating icecream outside on her veranda. I want to sit down and watch a game with my dad and brother, drink wine with my sisters and make my mom laugh so hard her whole body shakes with happiness. I don't want to miss that anymore. I want to see my friends, and hear about their lives. I want to meet their babies, go to their weddings, I especially want to be the one that marries two loves this fall. I want to walk Biggie and sneak him meat treats. I want to see my dad sneaking meat treats. I want to become a zumba instructor and get my big booty back into shape. I want to eat healthy and do laundry in a machine. I want to sleep without a net and go more than a day without sweating profusely...That's what I want at home. I also want to discover. I want to explore..I want to be outside of my element and challenged. I want to do work that is meaningful and that pushes me to try and learn and gain and give. I want to be free of a society that tells me i need to be a certain way, and have certain things, and do things in a certain order. I want to do as much of this as I can while I am healthy and young and have nothing that really holds me. I want to be outside. I want to be broken and fail and make mistakes, I want to learn and succeed and feel pride for my work and for myself. I want excitement and things unknown even at this moment. I want..and I wish..and I have mostly everything I've ever dreamt of. I'm not sure i'm done dreaming...and I'm too thankful for this lucky life to sit still. I guess my answer is read in between the lines. But then again, tomorrow could be a totally different story...isn't that why life is so fabulouso?

Charlie

Dear Charlie,
I can’t technically write you a letter because you are a puppy, but my words in my last moments here are all that seem to be strong.
I want to tell you many things, but mostly just wake up and have you jump on my lap and hold you for a while.
I want to thank you for your energy, for your resilience , for your unconditional love.
I want to thank you for greeting me with bright eyes and a spastic body every single time I came home.
I want to pet your tummy that I lover you and hope that you know I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you.
You are so much of my happiness here.
I’m gonna miss your dirty paws and having your mouth hold my arm.
I’m gonna miss you trying to eat the tiles, the toilet paper, the anything you find.
I’m gonna miss sharing my PB sandwiches with you.
I’m gonna miss you watching and whining when I leave.
You are such a goodie puppy.

Weakness

I'm sitting in the Grantley Airport of Barbados. I'm surrounded by white people.
I have a banks in my glass for comfort. Something familiar.
It was so nice seeing my sister and her friend.
It was also hard because I'm in this weird transitional mood that kinda puts me in an emotional funk.
I dont feel like I belong like I used to. I dont feel like I am the same.
And its because I am not and I'm placing myself here. Some place far away.
What I'm feeling right now is exactly this:
I'm scared to go back to America.
I'm afraid my heart will break too much. Things and places and people will be gone out of my eyesight and will be replaced with older familiar things, long lasting friendships and family, known places...however I am nervous that I won't feel familiar.
I don't want to change back. I'm scared that I will. That far too quickly running hot water and consistent availability of food and electricity will spoil my strength. My sense of importance.
I'm afraid that I'll get too easily frustrated by daily things, just because they happen too smoothly.
I'm scared i won't have anything in common with people that I love in a way that I used to.
I'm afraid i wont say the right thing, or the politcally correct thing or just know what to say in general.
I'm scared i'll turn people away from the stories i have to tell and ways I connect to people now.
I'm afraid i'll be turned away from others because of their stories and struggles and my own inability to see things like I have or experience something thats made them a bit more patient, a tad more able to see things from a different point of view.
I'm already not wanting to answer the question: What are you going to do now? Or how was Guyana?
HOw do you answer a two year journey in a simple 5 minute conversation? Where do you even start? I imagine this will be my response: Guyana was fantastic, I got to experience and learn so much. I got to struggle, fail, fall in love, try new things and new foods, challenge myself, feel alone, feel alive. I was so lucky.
The statement will end and so will the interest. And then what?

I want to ask you questions too...but I'm scared I won't know where to start, and even if i do it wont be enough.

I'm feeling inadequate to live a life so seemingly knowing again. The thing ill miss the most about guyana is the Unknowing. The unpredicatablity of its people, of its travel, or its work and play. It's exciting here. I'm scared I won't be exciting enough.

I'm afraid that I'll become too selfish in thought. Something I haven't done in two years.

I'm a bit nervous that others will not understand and that i'll fight allowing them in in order to do so.

I'm afraid I won't be important anymore. Or needed.

I'm terrified of my own failures again. This time in front of people that expect constant success.

I'm a bit nervous I wont be enough even though the one thing these past two years has taught me is that I am. And I can be.

The thought of America brings me to this back and forth emotional roller coaster all over again. I'm so excited to see you. But also scared to see myself again.

Orealla Love

I'll admit that i'm not always right. I know I am unsure of many things people ask me, but try to convince them and myself of an answer that comes out of my mouth, knowing or unknowing. I like to lie....not to hurt people, but more for excitement. Did you know that it takes 2 years for a pine to grow? Simple things like that. Makes you think about life a little differently, most of time unexpectedly. But, if there is one thing I would never lie to you about, its of a special place in this world and my heart named Orealla. And if I could recommend you go anywhere in your life this would be the place that I believe would make all the difference....would make your life felt lived.

GOATS and CoconutS!

Kartik and Lohit. Lisa. Ganesh and Samosas.....playing with the kids...speaking spanish.....the mechanical device that just wouldn't work. Love today. And all that it was. Teaching children about how nice it is to smile at people. how important it is to have fun but focus. being kind. excited for tomorrow. My body still hurts from the dancing all night long last night for Grace's birthday party! LOVE LOVE LOVE! Guyana lasts.

i wont get to ever have these feelings again. even if i visit. i know i'll never love so much the life here i have been given, again. I am blessed and grateful and if you wonder where i am it is most likely that you will find me dancing to the beat of this green, warm, sticky beautiful home, guyana.

46.

I'm in a kind of mood I dont like to admit to people I have.
I dont like to seem inferior, vulnerable, weak. But I am. Too sensitive most of the time. Too proud to show it.
I'm in a mood that is dark. Not knowing why...and then knowing every reason why.This leads me to the list of things I will not miss.

I will not miss
ants...ants in my bed, ants in my clothes, ants in my cereal that surface as I put powdered milk that I just mixed into it and have to sit there and debate for 20 seconds if its still edible...should I try to take them out...just eat them? its too expensive to throw away....ants, i will not miss you.

being woken up....by music, by my neighbor beating their child and blood curdling screams, by people in the house, by kids yelling my name...by blackouts....that reminds me

I will not miss blackouts..not when i'm cooking, reading, trying to teach...especially when it feels like a dragon is breathing on me with fire and my only hope is the slow breeze of the fan that is almost broken because a blackout short wired it...and then all of sudden you go out because of another blackout..i will not miss you.

all crawling and flying things including: beetles in bed, mosquitoes that bite me during breakfast, on a walk, while i'm trying to do yoga, while i'm peeing, in the middle of a shower, putting away my clothes, grading papers, watching the news, working out, while i teach, as i cook, etc etccccccccc, spiders that are so big i have to gulp twice before attacking, worms that are in my water, frogs that hop out of the most curious of places, lizards that crawl in my drawers and in my shower and on my pillows, cockroaches that eat all my food and the flying ones that freak me out because they always seem to head straight for my face, yes i dont like any of you.

inconvenience of travel...i will not miss sitting and waiting for 2 and half hours for a 2 hour car ride, i will not miss barrels of men trying to grab my bag to get me in the car so i will ride in their death ride with them, i will not miss sitting at the bridge for 2 hours waiting in a minibus with 238 people,their children on my lap and birds on my shoulders, praying for breeze, I will not miss "smalling up" because I cant get smaller..even though i've tried. I will not miss the fact that there are no seat belts available.

I probably could go on, but as I write this a smile curls my lips toward the sky again. not because i've enjoyed any of these things or moments to an extreme but because they have taught me something i should be most thankful for...and that is simply to slow down. to enjoy the moment. and to enjoy the people and things around you for what and who they are. Out of the most rediculous of circumstances always seems to come the most simplest life lesson.

I'm still in pain...and not knowing a reason for this. Its the separation that happens before you even leave that is most on my mind right now. I'm trying to let go...but there is just not a place or time it seems to do so. And to be honest I'm not sure how. How do you say goodbye? Maybe tonight there will be one more blackout to help me think of a way to do so.

45

Feeling worthy i've realized is a luxury.
Worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of happiness, worthy of compassion.
I've been given this belief and because of it have also had the luxury of giving it back. I realize this today, amoung many more hard days of trying and giving and trying to hold on just a bit longer. I realize this today, as I look into his eyes for the 7th time that morning asking him if he knows what it means to be kind. I realize this today as I am called in by a teacher to listen to an issue she is having. I realize this today as I see my friends daughter call out with all sort of attitude to please get her a bag and thank you. I realize this today as I have a conference with a parent talking with her about how important it is to talk with her child. I realize this today as a woman pours out her heart to me about what it means to work for the money she is earning. I realize this today as a man with boyish dreamy eyes asks me how to say i love you in sign language. I realize this today as i walk into my gate and am greeted by a sloppy dirty puppy that has a smile on her face, I realize this today as i get home and would give anything to hear someone from my families voice but it is blackout. I realize this today as I read a card from my sister:
Smile
Frown
walk
talk
sing
jump
cry
dance
laugh
run
with you
i can be
anything.

And you know what. That's exactly why I feel worthy. Because others have taught me how to appreciate and love myself, by loving me. I am so thankful for them, for this luxury. for this life.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to that simple thought: Are you worthy? I know I am.

Peace Love and Phagwah!

Forty Four

If you ask a person here how they are doing you will get the occasionally,"fine" "tired" "good" but most of the time you will get a phrase which I have grown to adopt into my heart as honesty , " I'm trying"
It's true, you know.I do try, they do try, you do try. It's not sugar coated, its not fake, it's a simple honest answer to a day hard worked and a love still fighting. I'm trying. And I don't think i'll ever stop.

Got the first bit of funding for the hearing aids!! THANK YOU ROTARY CLUB OF NEW AMSTERDAM! OWOWO


I guess that's the sexy part about the ups and downs..... No matter where your at, life can make you better if you let it.

Charlie

awww puppy!!

Jobs I've been considering:

Teacher
Writer
Street Artist
Business Owner
Zumba Instructor
Chef
Counselor
ASL teacher
Curriculum Specialist
Leader for Study Abroad programs

Peace Love and the Lasts

Remember your firsts?

Its funny how quickly the firsts become part of a daily life norm. Getting on and off a minibus, going to the market, sweating during breakfast, sweating in your shower..even though the water is cold, sleeping under a mosquito net, stepping on cockroaches, finding patience in a blackout and walking for an hour just because you can't afford to pay the 50 cent car ride. Firsts, are now my life, and having them become my lasts here in Guyana have been a bit of a shipwreck of emotions...a kaiter waterfall kind of feeling. I've been so lucky these last two years....and frustrated and happy.

I've extended for a month but that doesn't mean my lasts are getting any easier.I'll be home in May..but i'll also be leaving home in May. Many more firsts to be experienced...Many more lasts to happen.

Peace Love and 2 years

Oh the places you'll go!!! I also like to think Oh, the places you've come through!
These past 2 years have taken me through some of the hardest and strongest parts of my life. Parts that I never want to forget, parts that I've been tryin to forget since they happened. I was challenged, freed, accepted, pushed apart and to pieces, put together again, found joy, lost some, found more. I had done more than i set out to do, i still feel like i haven't done enough. But through it all, i had this recurring thought, this recurring feeling of of "I am so lucky". I am. These past two years were, and I can only hope that the years ahead will be just as :)

Peace Love and Mash!

Peace Love and Inclusion Graduation!

Peace Love and Hope

Oh Guyana. I hope I loved you enough.
I hope I turned up in the days that the sun was high and warm and worked hard under your heat and sweated enough.
I hope I taught you something.
I know you taught me something. Or two.
I hope the day ended feeling better than it started.
I hope the next day starts better than it ended.
I hope I tried for you enough.
I hope you felt the fast beats of my heart and the tears of my eyes.
I hope you know that I tried my best.
I hope you know that I loved your children like my own.
I hope you know that many of times they were.
I hope you see a difference because of what I did or did not do.
I know that I will be different, because of what I did and did not do.
I hope you show your beauty to others, like you have shown me.
I hope others will see your beauty that is truly here to see.
I hope you know that you brought some of my favorite people of life together: In my heart and in your country.
I hope you feel the feelings I have for you in every breath that I have left to take
I hope you know that at times it felt like it was forever, but that quickly slipped to lost when I was awake.
I hope you know that I woke up with you, dreamt of you, slept with you.
I hope you know that I broke for you, struggled for you, fought for you.
I hope you know that I loved for you, for everything and everyone you generously gave to me.
I hope you know that I cared for you and will continue you to do so daily.
Oh Guyana, I hope I loved you enough.

peace love and too mucho rainnnnnnnnnnnnn

this is what my street looks like today....... at 9 a.m. and its still raining! yikes!

Sometimes there are just times you have to...

After three hours of waiting for one of my students to get his wrist checked( wait for the doctor visit, meet the doctor then wait for an xray, then wait for the doctor to read the xray, then wait for the prescription, then get sent to get it wrapped and waitt for that, only to find out its too swollen to wrap and we have to come back tomorrow) i finally stood up.

As we were walking out I turned to the 6 nurses that were all sitting down and had been since we got there, looking annoyed at everyone that was around them, and it was like pulling teeth to get an answer, or direction....so i turned to them and I asked them a simple question "Why did you want to be a nurse?"

They all stopped talking, looked up and stared blankly at me.
I then continued, "Well most people become nurses to help people, but you surely arent helping anyone by just sitting there on your ass."


Jillian -1
Guyana- 987

Peace Love and the New Year.

HAPPY 2012! OWOWOWO! Let's just say I asked Santa for some new dance moves for the new year...and boy did he deliver!!! Besides busting a move....here is what i have been up to.......























Ive been feeling all sorts of overwhelmed, excited,completely and utterly happy, nervous, alone, special, thankful, unsure, stressed, anxious, satisfied all depending on the moment, who is around and where I am.
It seems as if I have been living a separate life and in 10 weeks im not sure how well my current self will collide and combine together with the one I used to know. I am not ready. And it seems so easy for the others around me. it seems.

For the first time in my life I dont have a plan for the next journey and to be honest I dont want one. Its something that feels wrong to admit but so right in my heart right now. There is too much to do in the moment to think about what's ahead. And I believe that to be how I should live the rest of my days anyhow. The moments have filled myself with exactly what I always need...and most of the things that happen can't be planned
. I know I will be happy and I know that I am happy wherever I go with the moments I have.

It's funny how the end is the hardest part. The goodbyes..the last looks..the last hugs...the last touches...the last moments with people who have broken and repieced and torn and mended the heart inside of me to be who and where I am today. Ten Weeks. More.

Peace Love and being in the moment