Peace Love and Decisions

I feel like my life is guided by opportunities that arise when I least expect them. And choosing those opportunities to be part of my life always leads me to some of the best moments I've had. Once again I find myself here...with options. One leading home, One leading to a place that could potentially become home. It gets harder and harder in some ways to make up my mind. I used to be...and I guess a part of me is still a free spirit that goes with the flow and doesn't spend too much time weighing out her decisions. About 60% just wants to take it an run and never look back to this moment of contemplation. The other 40% feels like she should know better by now...and maybe stop taking risks and chances that just lead to more and more open doors. The problem is I dont feel like I shut any doors. I've been so lucky to love everything I have done so far. I feel so lucky that this new opportunity would give me a chance to once again try something new. I want to make the right choice for me...but its hard to do so when so many other people are on my mind and weighing in my heart. I want to spend time with my family again. I want to see how my nephew is growing, talking, laughing. I want to have late afternoon talks with my grandma while eating icecream outside on her veranda. I want to sit down and watch a game with my dad and brother, drink wine with my sisters and make my mom laugh so hard her whole body shakes with happiness. I don't want to miss that anymore. I want to see my friends, and hear about their lives. I want to meet their babies, go to their weddings, I especially want to be the one that marries two loves this fall. I want to walk Biggie and sneak him meat treats. I want to see my dad sneaking meat treats. I want to become a zumba instructor and get my big booty back into shape. I want to eat healthy and do laundry in a machine. I want to sleep without a net and go more than a day without sweating profusely...That's what I want at home. I also want to discover. I want to explore..I want to be outside of my element and challenged. I want to do work that is meaningful and that pushes me to try and learn and gain and give. I want to be free of a society that tells me i need to be a certain way, and have certain things, and do things in a certain order. I want to do as much of this as I can while I am healthy and young and have nothing that really holds me. I want to be outside. I want to be broken and fail and make mistakes, I want to learn and succeed and feel pride for my work and for myself. I want excitement and things unknown even at this moment. I want..and I wish..and I have mostly everything I've ever dreamt of. I'm not sure i'm done dreaming...and I'm too thankful for this lucky life to sit still. I guess my answer is read in between the lines. But then again, tomorrow could be a totally different story...isn't that why life is so fabulouso?

Charlie

Dear Charlie,
I can’t technically write you a letter because you are a puppy, but my words in my last moments here are all that seem to be strong.
I want to tell you many things, but mostly just wake up and have you jump on my lap and hold you for a while.
I want to thank you for your energy, for your resilience , for your unconditional love.
I want to thank you for greeting me with bright eyes and a spastic body every single time I came home.
I want to pet your tummy that I lover you and hope that you know I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you.
You are so much of my happiness here.
I’m gonna miss your dirty paws and having your mouth hold my arm.
I’m gonna miss you trying to eat the tiles, the toilet paper, the anything you find.
I’m gonna miss sharing my PB sandwiches with you.
I’m gonna miss you watching and whining when I leave.
You are such a goodie puppy.

Weakness

I'm sitting in the Grantley Airport of Barbados. I'm surrounded by white people.
I have a banks in my glass for comfort. Something familiar.
It was so nice seeing my sister and her friend.
It was also hard because I'm in this weird transitional mood that kinda puts me in an emotional funk.
I dont feel like I belong like I used to. I dont feel like I am the same.
And its because I am not and I'm placing myself here. Some place far away.
What I'm feeling right now is exactly this:
I'm scared to go back to America.
I'm afraid my heart will break too much. Things and places and people will be gone out of my eyesight and will be replaced with older familiar things, long lasting friendships and family, known places...however I am nervous that I won't feel familiar.
I don't want to change back. I'm scared that I will. That far too quickly running hot water and consistent availability of food and electricity will spoil my strength. My sense of importance.
I'm afraid that I'll get too easily frustrated by daily things, just because they happen too smoothly.
I'm scared i won't have anything in common with people that I love in a way that I used to.
I'm afraid i wont say the right thing, or the politcally correct thing or just know what to say in general.
I'm scared i'll turn people away from the stories i have to tell and ways I connect to people now.
I'm afraid i'll be turned away from others because of their stories and struggles and my own inability to see things like I have or experience something thats made them a bit more patient, a tad more able to see things from a different point of view.
I'm already not wanting to answer the question: What are you going to do now? Or how was Guyana?
HOw do you answer a two year journey in a simple 5 minute conversation? Where do you even start? I imagine this will be my response: Guyana was fantastic, I got to experience and learn so much. I got to struggle, fail, fall in love, try new things and new foods, challenge myself, feel alone, feel alive. I was so lucky.
The statement will end and so will the interest. And then what?

I want to ask you questions too...but I'm scared I won't know where to start, and even if i do it wont be enough.

I'm feeling inadequate to live a life so seemingly knowing again. The thing ill miss the most about guyana is the Unknowing. The unpredicatablity of its people, of its travel, or its work and play. It's exciting here. I'm scared I won't be exciting enough.

I'm afraid that I'll become too selfish in thought. Something I haven't done in two years.

I'm a bit nervous that others will not understand and that i'll fight allowing them in in order to do so.

I'm afraid I won't be important anymore. Or needed.

I'm terrified of my own failures again. This time in front of people that expect constant success.

I'm a bit nervous I wont be enough even though the one thing these past two years has taught me is that I am. And I can be.

The thought of America brings me to this back and forth emotional roller coaster all over again. I'm so excited to see you. But also scared to see myself again.