Forty
The noise of Guyana
Its 3:30 am in the morning and the music makes my bed vibrate.
It’s 6 am and gospel fills my ears as base fills my lungs.
It’s 8 am and the sound around me changes every 5 minutes of walking from reggaetone to gospel, celion dion to soca.
Its 2pm and as car horns honk, speakers bigger than your body beat..
The music that never stops.
Music that always plays.
Guyana is never quiet.
And will forever be loud in my heart.

Forty one
Tiffany’s tooth getting pulled.
I struggle sometimes with loving every child the same. It makes my bones chatter and my heart sink to admit. I don’t like to tell people, but I need to. There is a child named tiffany who is 16 and one of these kids. A teenager that needs attention so badly and deserves it, but I struggle to find it in my conscious mind to give freely. She works for it, I try. Tiffany is one of 4 and barely noticed at home. She is kind and thoughtful and takes care of her family more than her mother. She also never shuts up. I’ve been working with her on that, and in the time it took us to walk home from the dentist I realized all she realy needs is that. Trust and honesty.
We went to the dentist together after she asked. No one would take her and she was afraid to go alone. She needed her dead front tooth pulled.
We got to the office and went straight to the head with my white skin. The dentist hit on me as he roughly opened her mouth to look at it. He said her tooth could still be saved with a rootcanal, but a. it was 30,000 guyanese dollars and b. they are never really that successful.To pull it was free and then a plate with a fake tooth is only 3,000 guyanese. There we sat, as I discussed the options to her, as I didn’t feel comfortable making it. There we were, a teacher and a 16 year old, having to make a decision. She picked the pulling, she wanted it for so long and to behonest I had no idea when she , or if she in her life would have an extra 30,000 laying around in general, let alone to get a tooth fixed.
The dentist took her in a the room and as he was flirting with me, no gloves on, and a nasty glare in his eyes held her head back and stabbed at her gums with a needle, all while telling sternly don’t move don’t move don’t move. Traumatizing.
After that we went and sat out on the chairs. She rested her hand on my shoulder as read her a story I brought with me. We waited 30 minutes and finally got called back in, only to be told that her tooth was already pulled. Great communication. They must have done it in one go???
I asked her if she was ready, and as we leave she grabs for my hand. She cant talk as gauze is filling up her mouth and I can hardly see because the sun is so bright. We walk home, down the road, hand in hand, with one less tooth between us, and a one little hole in my heart filled.. She challenges me in love, and I accept that challenge. And with that acceptance I realize its not so hard if you allow yourself to let go of your own thoughts and focus on anothers, one who needs them. My heart was filled that day, Filled for her, filled with love for her, afterall its not so hard


Forty Two
This is what is snuck under my door on a weekly basis.
Dear Jillany,
How are you? We miss you. I know your land lady doesn’t want us to come, but my birthday is in November and we have to do something fun! We love you. I am going to bring this over without anyone seeing! I don’t like when she yells at me, I helped her tie her shoes. I miss reading with you. See you soon!
Your friend,
Marvela St. Clair, Lenroy St. Clair, Jaheim and Richard
Carlon St. Clair.

Gobble Gobble

I was talking to my sister Jesse tonight and once again she inspired some thinking in me….Thinking about gifts, giving and receiving. Thinking about what really to be thankful for.

It’s not so much the gift itself, as it is what’s behind it. To me getting and giving a gift is all about the thought ,the time ,the caring and the relationship that must be behind a gift to give it.
Marvelas birthday was today. She is 11. I got home a little too late, and to be honest forgot what day it was(knowing her birthday was the 22nd, but thinking it was the 25th) I handed her a bag through the fence and she offered a quiet smile and laughter. I know she loves me. I know she knows I love her. In that bag was journal ,stickers, pencils and pens and a math book. Nothing too special or extravagant. I didn’t watch her open it, and I hope she smiled when she did. Maybe she won’t until she opens the journal. Marvela and I have spent countless hours in my house. Talking, laughing, dancing, playing games,cooking. However when she is in my house one of the first things she always does is read the quote I have on my wall, “A beautiful Day” song by India Arie . She loves it, I love it. I write it in her journal. I hope those words hold her true to herself like they do to me. That is the only gift I can think and love to give her.

Today is also the day I get back from Orealla. I fall more and deeper in love everytime I go. But I fall hardest for the boy I work with. Today we ran with a bubble wand learning slow and fast, and played a matching game with animals to learn different and the same. I love his facial expressions. And his face. Seriously. And badly. He is so animated and so fun and so easy to love. Him and his family.I always bring him school things, fun things, things to learn with. Those are my gifts to him, along with my time and hopefully teaching. He gives me his time as a gift too, and today, his mom Vierona, had a gift for me as well. It was my first present as a teacher. She had her husband John ride his bike back to te home to retrieve it. She had it placed in a black plastic bag which Reon handed me with eyes glowing. In the bag I found a handmade straw hand fan that is too beautiful for words, and took longer to make than it takes to plan, cook, eat, clean up and reminisce about a thanksgiving meal,im sure. In it I found satisfactioin and thankfulness and gratefulness for her and me in return. It’s a gift I will use in the hot thick air here and think of them and feel them on my skin and in my heart.

I have also had quite a few friends and family give to Camp Glow. (Big shout out and thank you! You know who you are!!) I can’t wait to take my girls and I know they are even more excited! So happy!! I sat down and talked with one of the girls grandmas the other day in the market. Going over details, talking through some things, and eventually the cost came up. I didn’t have to ask to know that it was a worry to her. Giving money might not always seem as meaningful, but if I describe the energy and gratefulness and surrender this grandma gave me with her eyes I could tell you it is so meaningful. Sometimes there is meaning to be found in the things that aren’t as meaningful because of the feeling it can really bring. The single exhale it causes a body to have to know and not worry. So thank you for that gift, that gift that will keep on giving,especially when I show you the picture of the girls at camp. You are the reasons it happened. Because you cared about me, and the girls without even knowing them and you shared a gift, simply because you could and you did.

And maybe its just lucky and that’s the best gift of all we have, to care about eachother and love eachother and to accept eachothers love and gifts as good. And return those gifts with the love we pass on to one another.



Give a gift of thanks. Accept a gift of offering. Love , Be thankful, Eat Turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I AM SO THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!

OWOW

Thirty 8
I’ve decided that if you can teach kids about gravity and the solar system in a language that you are pretty much a master. And that I am ;) I think that teaching this topic was and will be one of my favorite memories of the school and this place. Having the kids act out planets, write in big in small letters, sign big, sign small, act out gravity. Laughter was part of space that day. And it filled some of the weak parts of my heart with strength, once more.
Thirty nine
I have a wifey here in Guyana. She is the type of woman that when you describe her to your friends mostly you can just smile and nod but don’t even know where to start, so you just hope that people will understand the amazingness behind the shine she puts in your eyes. She is the most thankful reason I have for Guyana. We cook together, and talk together and workout together and do the day to day living together..anything and everything….. She has stolen pieces of my friendship heart that I know I will never get back, and I know I will never want to give to anyone else. One of my favorites nights with her was when It was a group of 5 of us on a Thursday and a bottle of Rum with a blackout. We sat outside on my picnic table and took in the breeze and played cards by candle light. We talked and laughed and drank and were merry. Soon 5 became just us two and there we were, like usual, talking about work and play and relationships. We talked about extreme people and the addiction to them. We talked about how lucky we were. We talked about how thankful we were. And then the statement came. The statement that I will never forget because it made me experience true and honest trust. “If anything happens to Jason or I, would you take care of our kids?” And with that all I needed was one deep breath and a smile and calmness took over, something I hadn’t really truly felt in years. TO feel known by someone and loved by someone and trusted by someone gives you a type of feeling that is hard to experience in anyother way. And even though the topic of discussion was not my favorite..\.it still marks a special spark in my eyes for the love I have for her and for them and for the belief in truly knowing someone and loving them for exactly who they are. What a quality to have…but she has that. She is a special and rare find. My Guyana wifey.

Tough Decisions. Where will it take me next?

The sunsets go as quickly as the sunrises come. Days have been here and gone like a deep breath intake and exhale.5 months left.I make up my mind. I will be leaving Guyana when my service is done, even though thoughts of my students and people I have fallen in love with challenge this decision daily, I needed to stop contemplating in my heart.

I make this decision at 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Then I start to reflect. When I leave I know I will remember. When I leave I don't want to forget.....


Mosquito netting that I tucked in every night that first felt unusual but months later made me feel safe and like a princess
The constant sound and feeling of a fan in warm thick air
Sweating, Sweating and more sweating
Mangoes and bananas and pine and all the starfruit in my yard
The boat rides to Orealla being tucked into a sea of people in the middle of the corentyne river
Blackouts that scared and frustrated me then calmed me
Music that never stops, music that makes your heart pound.
A neighborhood full of children that often made people ask “are they all yours, or look at you and all your kids”
A neighborhood full of children that I love, and that returned that love in a way only children can.
Local juice that I preferred from a bag rather than a cup
A small town that turned into a big family
Cold showers that made me appreciate warmth
Letters from family and friends…and packages that made entire weeks
The yelling of my name Missssssssss Julianeeeeeee everytime I approached and left an orphanage, a school, a home.
Zumba afternoons with girlfriends
My school that challenged me more than anything ever has, but that I am most thankful for in the end.
The signing and the language that I fell in love with
Rooms and stores and buildings so hot that I couldn’t stop wiping my face
Food bought from those stores that tasted exactly like the store.
Rain showers that made me dance and got me soaked because I always forgot to walk with my umbrella.
Knee deep water walks to work.
A teacher that never stopped giving.
Cows that passed me on very hot days.
Good mornings and good afternoons that followed me everywhere
Wild animals that loved my garbage ….nothing like seeing a cow outside your house yet still drinking powdered milk.
Driving that involved dodging pigs and donkeys and people
The car horn that is the most used part of a Guyanese vehicle
Mini bus rides that made my stomach hurt....and when they ran outta gas made my body hurt from pushing.
All the crazy pick up lines that only seemed to make me smile….girll you are lookin like one thick can of sweetened condensed milk, or your makin me hotter than my mammas pepper sauce….or WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWwww
Sing it Franky dancing
Beef Box and Beat Boxing
Shell Beach and the roll off or rather onto it
Chocolate milk Beach 63
Being chased by cows and dogs and pigs and feeling like the goats were even out to getme
Being 20 minutes late t o work, just because I was saying hi to people.
Feet tan lines
Cooking for anyone and everyone
Sweating before I even started working out
Fellow Peace Corps Volunteers that will forever have a place in my heart, and some who i feel connected to by the soul.
A bedroom full of school supplies
Kids asking for plasters and constantly playing nursey
6 oclock sunsets
The importance and comfort that you put on certain things like taco seasoning and a yummy smelling soap
The crazy budgeting, going a week off less money than it costs to buy a beer in the US
Sunday night limes on the road and music that was sooo loud I couldn’t talk in my own house
Rum, rum and more rum..mixed with crystal light and viva water.
Teaching sign and loving every second of it.
Teaching Teachers that have taught for more years than I’ve been alive
Speaking British
Hammock Days
Learning how to be a better woman, friend, teacher and giver
My market lady and her warm smile and random filling of my bag(and feeling of my breasts)
Hundreds of students that taught me about life
Foods and spices and dishes that nourished me everyday
Lonely days that I thought would never end
People that accepted me and loved me and cared for me
Umbrellas that broke
Insects that bite
Pens that were stolen
Skin that was always brown
Sun that never slept
Palm trees that always waved.

Guyana. My home for a bit longer.