If you love life, life will love you right back...

Peace Corps, Guyana!

Friday, March 30, 2012

Orealla Love


I'll admit that i'm not always right. I know I am unsure of many things people ask me, but try to convince them and myself of an answer that comes out of my mouth, knowing or unknowing. I like to lie....not to hurt people, but more for excitement. Did you know that it takes 2 years for a pine to grow? Simple things like that. Makes you think about life a little differently, most of time unexpectedly. But, if there is one thing I would never lie to you about, its of a special place in this world and my heart named Orealla. And if I could recommend you go anywhere in your life this would be the place that I believe would make all the difference....would make your life felt lived.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Kartik and Lohit. Lisa. Ganesh and Samosas.....playing with the kids...speaking spanish.....the mechanical device that just wouldn't work. Love today. And all that it was. Teaching children about how nice it is to smile at people. how important it is to have fun but focus. being kind. excited for tomorrow. My body still hurts from the dancing all night long last night for Grace's birthday party! LOVE LOVE LOVE! Guyana lasts.

Monday, March 19, 2012

i wont get to ever have these feelings again. even if i visit. i know i'll never love so much the life here i have been given, again. I am blessed and grateful and if you wonder where i am it is most likely that you will find me dancing to the beat of this green, warm, sticky beautiful home, guyana.

46.

I'm in a kind of mood I dont like to admit to people I have.
I dont like to seem inferior, vulnerable, weak. But I am. Too sensitive most of the time. Too proud to show it.
I'm in a mood that is dark. Not knowing why...and then knowing every reason why.This leads me to the list of things I will not miss.

I will not miss
ants...ants in my bed, ants in my clothes, ants in my cereal that surface as I put powdered milk that I just mixed into it and have to sit there and debate for 20 seconds if its still edible...should I try to take them out...just eat them? its too expensive to throw away....ants, i will not miss you.

being woken up....by music, by my neighbor beating their child and blood curdling screams, by people in the house, by kids yelling my name...by blackouts....that reminds me

I will not miss blackouts..not when i'm cooking, reading, trying to teach...especially when it feels like a dragon is breathing on me with fire and my only hope is the slow breeze of the fan that is almost broken because a blackout short wired it...and then all of sudden you go out because of another blackout..i will not miss you.

all crawling and flying things including: beetles in bed, mosquitoes that bite me during breakfast, on a walk, while i'm trying to do yoga, while i'm peeing, in the middle of a shower, putting away my clothes, grading papers, watching the news, working out, while i teach, as i cook, etc etccccccccc, spiders that are so big i have to gulp twice before attacking, worms that are in my water, frogs that hop out of the most curious of places, lizards that crawl in my drawers and in my shower and on my pillows, cockroaches that eat all my food and the flying ones that freak me out because they always seem to head straight for my face, yes i dont like any of you.

inconvenience of travel...i will not miss sitting and waiting for 2 and half hours for a 2 hour car ride, i will not miss barrels of men trying to grab my bag to get me in the car so i will ride in their death ride with them, i will not miss sitting at the bridge for 2 hours waiting in a minibus with 238 people,their children on my lap and birds on my shoulders, praying for breeze, I will not miss "smalling up" because I cant get smaller..even though i've tried. I will not miss the fact that there are no seat belts available.

I probably could go on, but as I write this a smile curls my lips toward the sky again. not because i've enjoyed any of these things or moments to an extreme but because they have taught me something i should be most thankful for...and that is simply to slow down. to enjoy the moment. and to enjoy the people and things around you for what and who they are. Out of the most rediculous of circumstances always seems to come the most simplest life lesson.

I'm still in pain...and not knowing a reason for this. Its the separation that happens before you even leave that is most on my mind right now. I'm trying to let go...but there is just not a place or time it seems to do so. And to be honest I'm not sure how. How do you say goodbye? Maybe tonight there will be one more blackout to help me think of a way to do so.

Friday, March 16, 2012

45

Feeling worthy i've realized is a luxury.
Worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of happiness, worthy of compassion.
I've been given this belief and because of it have also had the luxury of giving it back. I realize this today, amoung many more hard days of trying and giving and trying to hold on just a bit longer. I realize this today, as I look into his eyes for the 7th time that morning asking him if he knows what it means to be kind. I realize this today as I am called in by a teacher to listen to an issue she is having. I realize this today as I see my friends daughter call out with all sort of attitude to please get her a bag and thank you. I realize this today as I have a conference with a parent talking with her about how important it is to talk with her child. I realize this today as a woman pours out her heart to me about what it means to work for the money she is earning. I realize this today as a man with boyish dreamy eyes asks me how to say i love you in sign language. I realize this today as i walk into my gate and am greeted by a sloppy dirty puppy that has a smile on her face, I realize this today as i get home and would give anything to hear someone from my families voice but it is blackout. I realize this today as I read a card from my sister:
Smile
Frown
walk
talk
sing
jump
cry
dance
laugh
run
with you
i can be
anything.

And you know what. That's exactly why I feel worthy. Because others have taught me how to appreciate and love myself, by loving me. I am so thankful for them, for this luxury. for this life.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to that simple thought: Are you worthy? I know I am.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Forty Four

If you ask a person here how they are doing you will get the occasionally,"fine" "tired" "good" but most of the time you will get a phrase which I have grown to adopt into my heart as honesty , " I'm trying"
It's true, you know.I do try, they do try, you do try. It's not sugar coated, its not fake, it's a simple honest answer to a day hard worked and a love still fighting. I'm trying. And I don't think i'll ever stop.