Oh Guyana. I hope I loved you enough.
I hope I turned up in the days that the sun was high and warm and worked hard under your heat and sweated enough.
I hope I taught you something.
I know you taught me something. Or two.
I hope the day ended feeling better than it started.
I hope the next day starts better than it ended.
I hope I tried for you enough.
I hope you felt the fast beats of my heart and the tears of my eyes.
I hope you know that I tried my best.
I hope you know that I loved your children like my own.
I hope you know that many of times they were.
I hope you see a difference because of what I did or did not do.
I know that I will be different, because of what I did and did not do.
I hope you show your beauty to others, like you have shown me.
I hope others will see your beauty that is truly here to see.
I hope you know that you brought some of my favorite people of life together: In my heart and in your country.
I hope you feel the feelings I have for you in every breath that I have left to take
I hope you know that at times it felt like it was forever, but that quickly slipped to lost when I was awake.
I hope you know that I woke up with you, dreamt of you, slept with you.
I hope you know that I broke for you, struggled for you, fought for you.
I hope you know that I loved for you, for everything and everyone you generously gave to me.
I hope you know that I cared for you and will continue you to do so daily.
Oh Guyana, I hope I loved you enough.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
peace love and too mucho rainnnnnnnnnnnnn
this is what my street looks like today....... at 9 a.m. and its still raining! yikes!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sometimes there are just times you have to...
After three hours of waiting for one of my students to get his wrist checked( wait for the doctor visit, meet the doctor then wait for an xray, then wait for the doctor to read the xray, then wait for the prescription, then get sent to get it wrapped and waitt for that, only to find out its too swollen to wrap and we have to come back tomorrow) i finally stood up.
As we were walking out I turned to the 6 nurses that were all sitting down and had been since we got there, looking annoyed at everyone that was around them, and it was like pulling teeth to get an answer, or direction....so i turned to them and I asked them a simple question "Why did you want to be a nurse?"
They all stopped talking, looked up and stared blankly at me.
I then continued, "Well most people become nurses to help people, but you surely arent helping anyone by just sitting there on your ass."
Jillian -1
Guyana- 987
As we were walking out I turned to the 6 nurses that were all sitting down and had been since we got there, looking annoyed at everyone that was around them, and it was like pulling teeth to get an answer, or direction....so i turned to them and I asked them a simple question "Why did you want to be a nurse?"
They all stopped talking, looked up and stared blankly at me.
I then continued, "Well most people become nurses to help people, but you surely arent helping anyone by just sitting there on your ass."
Jillian -1
Guyana- 987
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Peace Love and the New Year.
HAPPY 2012! OWOWOWO! Let's just say I asked Santa for some new dance moves for the new year...and boy did he deliver!!! Besides busting a move....here is what i have been up to.......
Ive been feeling all sorts of overwhelmed, excited,completely and utterly happy, nervous, alone, special, thankful, unsure, stressed, anxious, satisfied all depending on the moment, who is around and where I am.
It seems as if I have been living a separate life and in 10 weeks im not sure how well my current self will collide and combine together with the one I used to know. I am not ready. And it seems so easy for the others around me. it seems.
For the first time in my life I dont have a plan for the next journey and to be honest I dont want one. Its something that feels wrong to admit but so right in my heart right now. There is too much to do in the moment to think about what's ahead. And I believe that to be how I should live the rest of my days anyhow. The moments have filled myself with exactly what I always need...and most of the things that happen can't be planned
. I know I will be happy and I know that I am happy wherever I go with the moments I have.
It's funny how the end is the hardest part. The goodbyes..the last looks..the last hugs...the last touches...the last moments with people who have broken and repieced and torn and mended the heart inside of me to be who and where I am today. Ten Weeks. More.
Peace Love and being in the moment
Friday, January 6, 2012
CAMP GLOW :)
CAMP GLOW SHAPES GUYANA’S NEXT GENERATION OF FEMALE LEADERS
by U.S. Peace Corps Guyana on Friday, 30 December 2011 at 11:05
With a lot of sand, sun, laughter, and learning, 25 of Guyana’s young women complete the first annual Camp GLOW leadership camp more confident, competent, and compassionate than when they first arrived.
On December 10, twenty-five young women between the ages of 13-17 years from across Guyana arrived at the Pandama Nature Retreat to participate in the week long leadership camp, Camp GLOW (Girls Leading Our World), which was primarily organized by currently serving U.S. Peace Corps Volunteers (PCVs). Participants were selected for Camp based on their responses to application essays and recommendation letters from community members.
The girls spent the days in interactive sessions covering topics such as leadership styles, what it means to be a leader, intercultural competency, decision making, assertive communication, and identifying personality types. In addition, they learned about personal health topics such as diet and nutrition, healthy relationships, sexual health, environmental health, and emotional health. Arts and craft time, team-building activities, swimming, sports, daily exercise, and nightly campfires supplemented their classroom learning, self-introspection, and allowed them a venue for building new friendships. Miss Jevon Wilson, Guyana’s Jamzone Pageant winner came and delivered a powerful and inspirational speech to the girls about some of the trials she has been through in her life and provided encouragement and advice for the girls to attain their goals. Around camp, girls bathed and washed their clothes in the creek water, ate healthy, low salt, low fat, vegetarian meals, and at night, they slept in a large, open, outdoor tent and on cots all generously donated, transported, and set-up by the Guyana Defense Force.
One of the most beneficial and unique aspects of Camp was the presence of two campers who were deaf. Throughout the week they were accompanied by a sign language interpreter who helped translate the sessions. Peace Corps Volunteer Jillian Johnson, who interpreted for the girls, expressed how impressed she was with the other 23 hearing campers, “It gave me hope for the deaf communities in Guyana to watch how open and excited they were to communicate with [names of deaf participants] and to learn sign language. They took the time to actually get to know these girls, to see how kind and funny and amazing they are even though they speak a different language.” She also spoke about how it was one of the first times that the deaf campers had the opportunity to express themselves in a group of their hearing peers. Peace Corps Volunteer Kristin Guthrie explained, “By the end of Camp, it was like we had our own language: half sign language, half gestures, half speaking! And, we all understood it!”
Also leading the sessions and helping to run the camp were 5 female Guyanese counselors. Suanne Lindie of the Berbice Rivering area, taught the session on “assertive communication” and she was the mentor for five of the girls. Camp was a chance for herself to grow while having the opportunity to do something she’s always wanted to try: working with young women. “I’ve been thinking about becoming a teacher on the Berbice River, so this was a chance for me to get an idea of what teaching is like and makes me want to be around young kids. And, I was a little, you know, nervous about talking in front of the girls, but by the end I was comfortable and brave.” Of the other four counselors, two were from the Correntyne area and two from the organization, Hope for All, in Region 2. Peace Corps Volunteer Annie Mills said of the counselors, “They were one of the Camp’s strongest aspects. The camp would not have been nearly as successful and fun without them. All week long, they were role-models of strong, confident Guyanese women.”
One of the most powerful reflections on the week came from one of the Campers from the St. Cuthbert’s Amerindian village. She said, “At Camp I’ve learned that I don’t have to be perfect. I’m imperfect and being imperfect is … perfect.” That ended the evening in applause from her fellow campers and counselors. When they left the next morning, the girls showered each other in hugs, exchanged phone numbers, and boarded the bus, eager to see their families and share their new knowledge and skills with their communities.
The next Camp GLOW Guyana will take place in August 2012.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Forty
The noise of Guyana
Its 3:30 am in the morning and the music makes my bed vibrate.
It’s 6 am and gospel fills my ears as base fills my lungs.
It’s 8 am and the sound around me changes every 5 minutes of walking from reggaetone to gospel, celion dion to soca.
Its 2pm and as car horns honk, speakers bigger than your body beat..
The music that never stops.
Music that always plays.
Guyana is never quiet.
And will forever be loud in my heart.
Forty one
Tiffany’s tooth getting pulled.
I struggle sometimes with loving every child the same. It makes my bones chatter and my heart sink to admit. I don’t like to tell people, but I need to. There is a child named tiffany who is 16 and one of these kids. A teenager that needs attention so badly and deserves it, but I struggle to find it in my conscious mind to give freely. She works for it, I try. Tiffany is one of 4 and barely noticed at home. She is kind and thoughtful and takes care of her family more than her mother. She also never shuts up. I’ve been working with her on that, and in the time it took us to walk home from the dentist I realized all she realy needs is that. Trust and honesty.
We went to the dentist together after she asked. No one would take her and she was afraid to go alone. She needed her dead front tooth pulled.
We got to the office and went straight to the head with my white skin. The dentist hit on me as he roughly opened her mouth to look at it. He said her tooth could still be saved with a rootcanal, but a. it was 30,000 guyanese dollars and b. they are never really that successful.To pull it was free and then a plate with a fake tooth is only 3,000 guyanese. There we sat, as I discussed the options to her, as I didn’t feel comfortable making it. There we were, a teacher and a 16 year old, having to make a decision. She picked the pulling, she wanted it for so long and to behonest I had no idea when she , or if she in her life would have an extra 30,000 laying around in general, let alone to get a tooth fixed.
The dentist took her in a the room and as he was flirting with me, no gloves on, and a nasty glare in his eyes held her head back and stabbed at her gums with a needle, all while telling sternly don’t move don’t move don’t move. Traumatizing.
After that we went and sat out on the chairs. She rested her hand on my shoulder as read her a story I brought with me. We waited 30 minutes and finally got called back in, only to be told that her tooth was already pulled. Great communication. They must have done it in one go???
I asked her if she was ready, and as we leave she grabs for my hand. She cant talk as gauze is filling up her mouth and I can hardly see because the sun is so bright. We walk home, down the road, hand in hand, with one less tooth between us, and a one little hole in my heart filled.. She challenges me in love, and I accept that challenge. And with that acceptance I realize its not so hard if you allow yourself to let go of your own thoughts and focus on anothers, one who needs them. My heart was filled that day, Filled for her, filled with love for her, afterall its not so hard
Forty Two
This is what is snuck under my door on a weekly basis.
Dear Jillany,
How are you? We miss you. I know your land lady doesn’t want us to come, but my birthday is in November and we have to do something fun! We love you. I am going to bring this over without anyone seeing! I don’t like when she yells at me, I helped her tie her shoes. I miss reading with you. See you soon!
Your friend,
Marvela St. Clair, Lenroy St. Clair, Jaheim and Richard
Carlon St. Clair.
The noise of Guyana
Its 3:30 am in the morning and the music makes my bed vibrate.
It’s 6 am and gospel fills my ears as base fills my lungs.
It’s 8 am and the sound around me changes every 5 minutes of walking from reggaetone to gospel, celion dion to soca.
Its 2pm and as car horns honk, speakers bigger than your body beat..
The music that never stops.
Music that always plays.
Guyana is never quiet.
And will forever be loud in my heart.
Forty one
Tiffany’s tooth getting pulled.
I struggle sometimes with loving every child the same. It makes my bones chatter and my heart sink to admit. I don’t like to tell people, but I need to. There is a child named tiffany who is 16 and one of these kids. A teenager that needs attention so badly and deserves it, but I struggle to find it in my conscious mind to give freely. She works for it, I try. Tiffany is one of 4 and barely noticed at home. She is kind and thoughtful and takes care of her family more than her mother. She also never shuts up. I’ve been working with her on that, and in the time it took us to walk home from the dentist I realized all she realy needs is that. Trust and honesty.
We went to the dentist together after she asked. No one would take her and she was afraid to go alone. She needed her dead front tooth pulled.
We got to the office and went straight to the head with my white skin. The dentist hit on me as he roughly opened her mouth to look at it. He said her tooth could still be saved with a rootcanal, but a. it was 30,000 guyanese dollars and b. they are never really that successful.To pull it was free and then a plate with a fake tooth is only 3,000 guyanese. There we sat, as I discussed the options to her, as I didn’t feel comfortable making it. There we were, a teacher and a 16 year old, having to make a decision. She picked the pulling, she wanted it for so long and to behonest I had no idea when she , or if she in her life would have an extra 30,000 laying around in general, let alone to get a tooth fixed.
The dentist took her in a the room and as he was flirting with me, no gloves on, and a nasty glare in his eyes held her head back and stabbed at her gums with a needle, all while telling sternly don’t move don’t move don’t move. Traumatizing.
After that we went and sat out on the chairs. She rested her hand on my shoulder as read her a story I brought with me. We waited 30 minutes and finally got called back in, only to be told that her tooth was already pulled. Great communication. They must have done it in one go???
I asked her if she was ready, and as we leave she grabs for my hand. She cant talk as gauze is filling up her mouth and I can hardly see because the sun is so bright. We walk home, down the road, hand in hand, with one less tooth between us, and a one little hole in my heart filled.. She challenges me in love, and I accept that challenge. And with that acceptance I realize its not so hard if you allow yourself to let go of your own thoughts and focus on anothers, one who needs them. My heart was filled that day, Filled for her, filled with love for her, afterall its not so hard
Forty Two
This is what is snuck under my door on a weekly basis.
Dear Jillany,
How are you? We miss you. I know your land lady doesn’t want us to come, but my birthday is in November and we have to do something fun! We love you. I am going to bring this over without anyone seeing! I don’t like when she yells at me, I helped her tie her shoes. I miss reading with you. See you soon!
Your friend,
Marvela St. Clair, Lenroy St. Clair, Jaheim and Richard
Carlon St. Clair.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Gobble Gobble
I was talking to my sister Jesse tonight and once again she inspired some thinking in me….Thinking about gifts, giving and receiving. Thinking about what really to be thankful for.
It’s not so much the gift itself, as it is what’s behind it. To me getting and giving a gift is all about the thought ,the time ,the caring and the relationship that must be behind a gift to give it.
Marvelas birthday was today. She is 11. I got home a little too late, and to be honest forgot what day it was(knowing her birthday was the 22nd, but thinking it was the 25th) I handed her a bag through the fence and she offered a quiet smile and laughter. I know she loves me. I know she knows I love her. In that bag was journal ,stickers, pencils and pens and a math book. Nothing too special or extravagant. I didn’t watch her open it, and I hope she smiled when she did. Maybe she won’t until she opens the journal. Marvela and I have spent countless hours in my house. Talking, laughing, dancing, playing games,cooking. However when she is in my house one of the first things she always does is read the quote I have on my wall, “A beautiful Day” song by India Arie . She loves it, I love it. I write it in her journal. I hope those words hold her true to herself like they do to me. That is the only gift I can think and love to give her.
Today is also the day I get back from Orealla. I fall more and deeper in love everytime I go. But I fall hardest for the boy I work with. Today we ran with a bubble wand learning slow and fast, and played a matching game with animals to learn different and the same. I love his facial expressions. And his face. Seriously. And badly. He is so animated and so fun and so easy to love. Him and his family.I always bring him school things, fun things, things to learn with. Those are my gifts to him, along with my time and hopefully teaching. He gives me his time as a gift too, and today, his mom Vierona, had a gift for me as well. It was my first present as a teacher. She had her husband John ride his bike back to te home to retrieve it. She had it placed in a black plastic bag which Reon handed me with eyes glowing. In the bag I found a handmade straw hand fan that is too beautiful for words, and took longer to make than it takes to plan, cook, eat, clean up and reminisce about a thanksgiving meal,im sure. In it I found satisfactioin and thankfulness and gratefulness for her and me in return. It’s a gift I will use in the hot thick air here and think of them and feel them on my skin and in my heart.
I have also had quite a few friends and family give to Camp Glow. (Big shout out and thank you! You know who you are!!) I can’t wait to take my girls and I know they are even more excited! So happy!! I sat down and talked with one of the girls grandmas the other day in the market. Going over details, talking through some things, and eventually the cost came up. I didn’t have to ask to know that it was a worry to her. Giving money might not always seem as meaningful, but if I describe the energy and gratefulness and surrender this grandma gave me with her eyes I could tell you it is so meaningful. Sometimes there is meaning to be found in the things that aren’t as meaningful because of the feeling it can really bring. The single exhale it causes a body to have to know and not worry. So thank you for that gift, that gift that will keep on giving,especially when I show you the picture of the girls at camp. You are the reasons it happened. Because you cared about me, and the girls without even knowing them and you shared a gift, simply because you could and you did.
And maybe its just lucky and that’s the best gift of all we have, to care about eachother and love eachother and to accept eachothers love and gifts as good. And return those gifts with the love we pass on to one another.
Give a gift of thanks. Accept a gift of offering. Love , Be thankful, Eat Turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I AM SO THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!
It’s not so much the gift itself, as it is what’s behind it. To me getting and giving a gift is all about the thought ,the time ,the caring and the relationship that must be behind a gift to give it.
Marvelas birthday was today. She is 11. I got home a little too late, and to be honest forgot what day it was(knowing her birthday was the 22nd, but thinking it was the 25th) I handed her a bag through the fence and she offered a quiet smile and laughter. I know she loves me. I know she knows I love her. In that bag was journal ,stickers, pencils and pens and a math book. Nothing too special or extravagant. I didn’t watch her open it, and I hope she smiled when she did. Maybe she won’t until she opens the journal. Marvela and I have spent countless hours in my house. Talking, laughing, dancing, playing games,cooking. However when she is in my house one of the first things she always does is read the quote I have on my wall, “A beautiful Day” song by India Arie . She loves it, I love it. I write it in her journal. I hope those words hold her true to herself like they do to me. That is the only gift I can think and love to give her.
Today is also the day I get back from Orealla. I fall more and deeper in love everytime I go. But I fall hardest for the boy I work with. Today we ran with a bubble wand learning slow and fast, and played a matching game with animals to learn different and the same. I love his facial expressions. And his face. Seriously. And badly. He is so animated and so fun and so easy to love. Him and his family.I always bring him school things, fun things, things to learn with. Those are my gifts to him, along with my time and hopefully teaching. He gives me his time as a gift too, and today, his mom Vierona, had a gift for me as well. It was my first present as a teacher. She had her husband John ride his bike back to te home to retrieve it. She had it placed in a black plastic bag which Reon handed me with eyes glowing. In the bag I found a handmade straw hand fan that is too beautiful for words, and took longer to make than it takes to plan, cook, eat, clean up and reminisce about a thanksgiving meal,im sure. In it I found satisfactioin and thankfulness and gratefulness for her and me in return. It’s a gift I will use in the hot thick air here and think of them and feel them on my skin and in my heart.
I have also had quite a few friends and family give to Camp Glow. (Big shout out and thank you! You know who you are!!) I can’t wait to take my girls and I know they are even more excited! So happy!! I sat down and talked with one of the girls grandmas the other day in the market. Going over details, talking through some things, and eventually the cost came up. I didn’t have to ask to know that it was a worry to her. Giving money might not always seem as meaningful, but if I describe the energy and gratefulness and surrender this grandma gave me with her eyes I could tell you it is so meaningful. Sometimes there is meaning to be found in the things that aren’t as meaningful because of the feeling it can really bring. The single exhale it causes a body to have to know and not worry. So thank you for that gift, that gift that will keep on giving,especially when I show you the picture of the girls at camp. You are the reasons it happened. Because you cared about me, and the girls without even knowing them and you shared a gift, simply because you could and you did.
And maybe its just lucky and that’s the best gift of all we have, to care about eachother and love eachother and to accept eachothers love and gifts as good. And return those gifts with the love we pass on to one another.
Give a gift of thanks. Accept a gift of offering. Love , Be thankful, Eat Turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I AM SO THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!
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