46.

I'm in a kind of mood I dont like to admit to people I have.
I dont like to seem inferior, vulnerable, weak. But I am. Too sensitive most of the time. Too proud to show it.
I'm in a mood that is dark. Not knowing why...and then knowing every reason why.This leads me to the list of things I will not miss.

I will not miss
ants...ants in my bed, ants in my clothes, ants in my cereal that surface as I put powdered milk that I just mixed into it and have to sit there and debate for 20 seconds if its still edible...should I try to take them out...just eat them? its too expensive to throw away....ants, i will not miss you.

being woken up....by music, by my neighbor beating their child and blood curdling screams, by people in the house, by kids yelling my name...by blackouts....that reminds me

I will not miss blackouts..not when i'm cooking, reading, trying to teach...especially when it feels like a dragon is breathing on me with fire and my only hope is the slow breeze of the fan that is almost broken because a blackout short wired it...and then all of sudden you go out because of another blackout..i will not miss you.

all crawling and flying things including: beetles in bed, mosquitoes that bite me during breakfast, on a walk, while i'm trying to do yoga, while i'm peeing, in the middle of a shower, putting away my clothes, grading papers, watching the news, working out, while i teach, as i cook, etc etccccccccc, spiders that are so big i have to gulp twice before attacking, worms that are in my water, frogs that hop out of the most curious of places, lizards that crawl in my drawers and in my shower and on my pillows, cockroaches that eat all my food and the flying ones that freak me out because they always seem to head straight for my face, yes i dont like any of you.

inconvenience of travel...i will not miss sitting and waiting for 2 and half hours for a 2 hour car ride, i will not miss barrels of men trying to grab my bag to get me in the car so i will ride in their death ride with them, i will not miss sitting at the bridge for 2 hours waiting in a minibus with 238 people,their children on my lap and birds on my shoulders, praying for breeze, I will not miss "smalling up" because I cant get smaller..even though i've tried. I will not miss the fact that there are no seat belts available.

I probably could go on, but as I write this a smile curls my lips toward the sky again. not because i've enjoyed any of these things or moments to an extreme but because they have taught me something i should be most thankful for...and that is simply to slow down. to enjoy the moment. and to enjoy the people and things around you for what and who they are. Out of the most rediculous of circumstances always seems to come the most simplest life lesson.

I'm still in pain...and not knowing a reason for this. Its the separation that happens before you even leave that is most on my mind right now. I'm trying to let go...but there is just not a place or time it seems to do so. And to be honest I'm not sure how. How do you say goodbye? Maybe tonight there will be one more blackout to help me think of a way to do so.