Weakness

I'm sitting in the Grantley Airport of Barbados. I'm surrounded by white people.
I have a banks in my glass for comfort. Something familiar.
It was so nice seeing my sister and her friend.
It was also hard because I'm in this weird transitional mood that kinda puts me in an emotional funk.
I dont feel like I belong like I used to. I dont feel like I am the same.
And its because I am not and I'm placing myself here. Some place far away.
What I'm feeling right now is exactly this:
I'm scared to go back to America.
I'm afraid my heart will break too much. Things and places and people will be gone out of my eyesight and will be replaced with older familiar things, long lasting friendships and family, known places...however I am nervous that I won't feel familiar.
I don't want to change back. I'm scared that I will. That far too quickly running hot water and consistent availability of food and electricity will spoil my strength. My sense of importance.
I'm afraid that I'll get too easily frustrated by daily things, just because they happen too smoothly.
I'm scared i won't have anything in common with people that I love in a way that I used to.
I'm afraid i wont say the right thing, or the politcally correct thing or just know what to say in general.
I'm scared i'll turn people away from the stories i have to tell and ways I connect to people now.
I'm afraid i'll be turned away from others because of their stories and struggles and my own inability to see things like I have or experience something thats made them a bit more patient, a tad more able to see things from a different point of view.
I'm already not wanting to answer the question: What are you going to do now? Or how was Guyana?
HOw do you answer a two year journey in a simple 5 minute conversation? Where do you even start? I imagine this will be my response: Guyana was fantastic, I got to experience and learn so much. I got to struggle, fail, fall in love, try new things and new foods, challenge myself, feel alone, feel alive. I was so lucky.
The statement will end and so will the interest. And then what?

I want to ask you questions too...but I'm scared I won't know where to start, and even if i do it wont be enough.

I'm feeling inadequate to live a life so seemingly knowing again. The thing ill miss the most about guyana is the Unknowing. The unpredicatablity of its people, of its travel, or its work and play. It's exciting here. I'm scared I won't be exciting enough.

I'm afraid that I'll become too selfish in thought. Something I haven't done in two years.

I'm a bit nervous that others will not understand and that i'll fight allowing them in in order to do so.

I'm afraid I won't be important anymore. Or needed.

I'm terrified of my own failures again. This time in front of people that expect constant success.

I'm a bit nervous I wont be enough even though the one thing these past two years has taught me is that I am. And I can be.

The thought of America brings me to this back and forth emotional roller coaster all over again. I'm so excited to see you. But also scared to see myself again.